


Privilege

by goldieslove



Category: Golden Child (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Light Angst, M/M, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:30:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23512999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldieslove/pseuds/goldieslove
Summary: Jibeom and Jaehyun were two kinds whose hearts were broken. One had given up love while the other was still believe in love. What would happen when their life tangled with each other?
Relationships: Bong Jaehyun/Kim Jibeom
Comments: 14
Kudos: 82





	Privilege

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a very long time since I posted. I was busy, got sick, and honestly lost inspiration. I've been writing a new fic after I posted my latest fic but it's just too hard to write. I started writing this fic last year but never finished it so I think I'll finish this one first before I work on the other one. Hopefully I get my inspiration back. It's not that satisfactory.. but enjoy!

Kim Jibeom wasn't someone who believe in love. Growing up in a broken family, he witnessed his parents consistently fought from young age. His parents finally divorced when he's 12, and his mother didn't want to take him because her new boyfriend didn't want him. His father, although provided him financially, never gave him attention and warm love he wanted.

Jibeom grew up lonely and thirst of love. After his mom hurt him to the core by saying she didn't want to take him, he had developed dislike towards women. However, he longed for a figure to love and care for him. He met Lee Daeyeol, 19 years old high school student, in an arcade. Daeyeol was clumsy and dropped his coins all over the floor. Jibeom helped him collected his coins and the older boy decided to be his gaming friend and treated him desserts. 

Jibeom had liked Daeyeol ever since he met the boy. Daeyeol was handsome, kind and affectionate. Jibeom found the figure he longed to have. They started going out often, went to arcade, theater, amusement park, even to the library to study. All those time, Daeyeol always gave him warmth. The high school boy introduced him to his friends and made him feel special. However, when he confessed his love, Daeyeol backed off.

"Jibeom-ah, you're too young."

"I'm going to be 14 in 2 months, hyung."

Daeyeol shook his head. "Fourteen in too young, Jibeom-ah."

Jibeom started to panic. "I like you hyung, age doesn't matter."

Daehyun sighed. "Let's just be friends, Jibeom-ah. I always think of you as my precious little brother. I'm sorry if I gave you wrong assumptions. But… I don't like you that way."

When Jibeom kept quiet, Daeyeol patted his shoulders comfortingly. "You're still young and probably confused. But one day, you'll understand and find the right one for you. Hyung's sorry, Jibrom-ah."

Tears welled up in his eyes. The rejection hurt him so much. Daeyeol's rejection was like opening his old wound, reminded him of his mom's rejection. His chest hurt.

"Jibeom-ah."

He took a step back. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Daeyeol's hand reaching up to him. He turned around and run away.

"Jibeom-ah!!"

He never turned back.

He avoided Daeyeol like a plague, ignoring his messages and calls. When the message and call finally stopped, the pain intensified. 

His dad never asked why he became gloomy, but he brought him to Jeju for vacation for new year holiday. The vacation was good, but still, there was a void in his heart that prevented him to feel trully happy.

The failure of his first love made him more thirsty to find another love. It wasn't hard to find people who liked him. He's handsome and smart. But finding people who's interested in him was not the same with finding a new love. 

From his friend's older brother, Choi Sungyoon who's 4 years older, to middle school classmate Lee Jangjun, to transfer student Hong Joochan, all ended in heartbreak. His last heartbreak with Joochan when he's 16 broke him apart. He really thought Joochan was the one. They had so much in common and matched so well. Since then, he swore to himself, there will be no more heartbreak. There will be no love.

He started to believe that finding love is a blessing. But not every one will get one. He, unfortunately, didn't get the privilege to receive tht blessing.

*****

"Kim Jibeom?"

He turned his head towards the source of voice and found a stranger smiling awkwardly at him. The boy was cute, with round monolid eyes, prominent cheekbones and plump lips.

"Yes, that's me."

The boy smiled in relief. 

"Hi, I'm Bong Jaehyun, the new student. Mrs. Park told me to find you."

"Yeah, she told me," Jibeom took the last sip of his cola and stood up. 

Mrs. Park informed him about the new student and gave him task to introduce the school to the new boy. He made a quick observation of the boy. Jaehyun's bowl hair was free from coloring, his uniform was tidy, nothing was against the rule. Jibeom was relieved that Jaehyun seemed like a good student. At least he didn't have to spend time to guide a brat.

"Sorry, did you wait for long? My homeroom teacher held me back to discuss something and I was kinda lost on my way here."

"No problem. Shall we?

He gestured towards the main building and Jaehyun nodded.

"Is your first day alright?" Jibeom opened the conversation as they walked towards the main building. 

"Yeah, so far it's good. My friends in class are nice. And the teacher's quite cool, not killer like the one is in my previous school."

"Good." Jibeom couldn't help but smile at Jaehyun's eagerness. They're on the second year of high school, but Jaehyun looked like a kid on the first day of kindergarten. Still excited and eager.

"May I ask why did you move school in the middle of school year?"

Jaehyun was still smiling. "We moved house because of dad's work, and my old house is very far. So after some consideration, I decided to move school, to save travelling time."

Jibeom nodded in understanding.

"Even though there's only less than a year left, I hope you like the school," He politely said.

"I will," Jaehyun beamed.

It took almost 30 mintues to take Jaehyun around the school, visiting every class, explaining some rules and some students' habits. By the time they've finished, the school was almost empty. There were only some students from basketball club were practicing.

"I think that's all," Jibeom said. "Do you have any question?" 

Jaehyun pursed his lips and made a thinking gesture like a kid. "I can't think of any right now," The boy chuckled. "I think I that's all. Thanks for showing me around."

Jibeom smiled and nodded. "No problem. You can ask me anything anytime." 

Jaehyun seemed happy. "You're very helpful. Uhmm.."

Jibeom sent the new student a confused look.

"I want to treat you something nice, if you have time," Jaehyun looked hesitant. "As my form of gratitude."

Jibeom's heart sank, his smile suddenly got siped out from his face. It reminded him of Joochan. Joochan asked him out with similar words. It reminded him of the love he really thought would work out. It reminded him of hearbreak that threw him to the lowest point in his life, and the pain he's still feeling until now.

"No need," He answered shortly. Maybe Jaehyun had innocent intention. But he refused to take a risk. Besides his heart took over his rationality and it kept on saying no. "It's my duty anyway."

Jaehyun's smile faltered, but he kept on trying. "I'll be happy to, you're very helpful."

Jibeom felt his face hardened. "I'm busy," He couldn't hide the displease from his voice. "If that's all, I'll take my leave now."

"Wait.."

He turned around and walked as fast as he could.

*****

"Kim Jibeom!"

Pretending not to hear the voice calling him, Jibeom fastened his pace. 

"Kim Jibeom!"

He kept on going. 

Until a hand tapped his shoulder and someone blocked his way. Jibeom sighed and looked up. Jaehyun was looking at him while chewing his lips. The boy looked around before he spoke.

"Can we talk for a while?"

"I'm busy right now."

"Please?"

"I have meeting."

"I won't be long."

"I'm already running late."

"Then I'll wait."

Jibeom glanced at hopefully looking Jaehyun.

"I might be long."

"I'll wait."

Jaehyun was surely persistent. Looking at the boy, Jibeom couldn't help but feel guilty.

"Fine."

Jaehyun smiled although he looked a bit unsure. "Great. I'll wait for you near main door."

*****

By the time he finished his works, it's already half past 5. He intentionally took his time, even managed to finish his math homework. He was about to do his physics homework when finally he gave up. His heart had been nagging him. There was little probability Jaehyun would wait until this hour, but still, there's probability he would too.

Jibeom packed his things and locked the door before strolling through the corridor. It's empty and the sky started to turn dark. Jaehyun would have gone home. He hoped so.

Until he saw a boy with bowl cut hair sitting near the school entrance door. 

Jibeom halted his steps. Jaehyun was waiting. From far, he could see Jaehyun sitting on the floor and resting his back on the wall. His hands were stretched straight, elbow propped on his raised knees. There were some books scattered around him, but the boy was looking at distance, seemed like daydreaming.

Jaehyun looked up when Jibeom walked closer, and immediately scrambled up. 

"What do you want to talk about?" 

Despite the eagerness to wait, Jaehyun looked hesitant.

"I.. I want to apologize," He said. "I really don't know what I did wrong, but you look angry and I want to apologize.. And it'll be good if you tell me what I did wrong."

Jibeom stared at the new boy. "Why did you apologize if you don't know what you did wrong?"

Jaehyun blinked a few times before his face started to flush. 

"Uh… I'm.. It's just.. Last time after you show me around.. You were nice but suddenly you looked at me like you're angry.. I really don't know why. I kept on thinking about it but.."

Jibeom felt his lips twitched. Honestly, Jaehyun looked pitiful. Maybe he'd been too harsh. Besides, if this matter's resolved, it'll be good. Jaehyun won't look for him again. There's no connection between them aside from they attended same school. There's no reason for them to talk again.

"No need to apologize, you did nothing wrong."

Jaehyun was stunned. "B-but why..?"

"I wasn't in the best condition," He lied. "And I'm not really good with new people."

Jaehyun didn't look convinced. "But you're so good-"

He suddenly stopped, maybe realized that arguing would probably made things worse. 

"Are you sure though? I didn't offend you or anything?"

Jibeom hummed. "You didn't offend me at all. So just forget it."

Although Jaehyun seemed hesitant, he smiled. "Is that so? I'm so relieved. I was so scared that you're angry."

Jibeom kept a thin smile on his face. Inside, he questioned why Jaehyun was overly worried about someone he met once. 

"It's late, I'll get going. You better hurry up go home too."

He didn't offer Jaehyun to walk together. Jaehyun didn't even suggest it. He was relieved that it ended well.

"See you tomorrow."

Jaehyun sent him a small wave, which he replied with a small nod. 

*****

Jibeom was a popular kid due to his look and academical achievement. But he didn't really have a lot of friends. He closed himself and only opened to one or two friends he really trusted. Sometimes he felt lonely, but at the same time he felt safe. Dealing with people made his weaknesses exposed, and he'd rather not do it.

He had his usual spot in cafetaria which he usually occupied with Donghyun and Bomin, but that day they had other things to do so he ended up having lunch alone. It was quite uncomfortable but he could bear with it.

He was looking at his phone when Jaehyun came and put his tray on the table.

"Can I join you?"

Jibeom contemplated for a second, but there was really no reason to reject. He shrugged.

Jaehyun sat accross the table and started to eat his lunch.

"I haven't seen you much lately," Jaehyun suddenly broke the silence.

Jibeom hummed since his mouth was still full. 

"…"

"For a popular guy like you, you don't hang out much with the other popular guys."

"I'm not popular," He said. "People know me just because I'm student council president."

Jaehyun chuckled. "Only popular kid can become president."

"I don't think that's the case."

"Girls in my class talk about you a lot."

Jibeom glanced up. Jaehyun was still eating his rice. His chubby cheeks looked even fuller.

"They like you. Some even planning to ask you out but afraid because you seem cold."

Jibeom frowned. "Do you have hidden reason why suddenly you joined me for lunch?"

Jaehyun looked genuinely surprised. He put down his chopsticks hastily and waved his hands.

"No, no. That's not true. I swear!" 

Jibeom still sent him skeptical look. Jaehyun sighed.

"Maybe I feel intrigued? I mean.. I saw you laugh with your friends and you seem nice, but sometimes you look cold too. You were nice to me but suddenly you acted cold. But I swear this has no relation to the girls."

Jibeom was quite surprised by Jaehyun's honesty. He still didn't really believe him though.

"I'm not really fond of socializing."

Jaehyun was quiet for a few moment. "I think you prefer to have a few but really good friend than a lot but not really good friends."

Jibeom raised an eyebrow. "I don't know you're a phycology expert."

There was a a shy smile on Jaehyun's face. "It's just.. I'm that typical person. I prefer that way."

Jibeon blinked, then looked around. "Where's your friend?"

"I said I prefer a few good friend."

"Few friend is not the same with no friend." 

Once he closed his mouth he immediately regretted himself for sounding too rude and offending. Jaehyun's smile faded, but a few moment later he chuckled.

"You're so straightforward."

Jibeom felt ashamed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay."

They fell into uncomfortable silence.

"Sorry," He said again.

Jaehyun took a spoonful of rice before answered. "No need to be sorry to state a fact."

Jibeom hesitated. "But you're joking right? You seem alright and you said your friends are nice."

He caught Jaehyun frowned. "They are nice, but I'm kinda awkward so.. it's quite hard to get into an established group."

Jibeom nodded. He understood the feeling. "You'll just need time."

"…"

"I got ditched today," He said to reduce the awkwardness. Jaehyun looking at him in confusion. "My close friends whom I usually eat lunch.. Donghyun had dance practice and Bomin went to Daegu for writing competition."

"That's sucks," Jaehyun commented.

"I have no problem eating alone. It's just sometimes I don't know where to look when I chew."

Jaehyun laughed. "That's right."

The bell rang and they both quickly swallowing their last bites of food and said goodbye. It was after he sat in his class, listening to the boring history teacher, that talking with Jaehyun wasn't bad at all.

*****

It came out so natural. Months by months, suddenly Jaehyun joining him during lunch brcame a regular thing. It was started when he saw Jaehyun eating his lunch alone one day and he felt something in his head told him to call Jaehyun over. Donghyun and Bomin didn't mind at all, and since then, they would eat together whenever they could.

Jaehyun had never showed signs that they boy was trying to be close to him to flirt. Jaehyun didn't make him uncomfortable either. Talking with Jaehyun was just like talking with Donghyun and Bomin, like old friends. There was no pressure, no awkwardness, the flow was just comfortable.

Jaehyun was mostly quiet and only laughed when there's something funny. He thought that probably Jaehyun wasn't comfortable with Donghyun and Bomin. He voiced out his thought one day when they happened to have lunch just with the two of them.

"Not at all," Jaehyun said when he asked. "I like them."

"You're not that quiet when we're alone."

Jaehyun paused for a while. "I think maybe because I don't feel the responsibility to keep the conversation going?" He sounded like he's asking himself. "You all talk well on your own and I like to listen."

"And spacing out," Jibeom added. "You space out a lot."

Jaehyun scratched his neck awkwardly. "Sometimes I remember something out of the blue and think about it. I can't help it."

Jibeom felt amused. "Like what?"

Jaehyun shrugged. "Like what's the menu for dinner?"

Jibeom scoffed. "You're thinking what menu for dinner when having lunch?"

"Sometimes," Jaehyun grinned innocently. "Like right now, I suddenly feel like eating tonkatsu with kimchi."

Jibeom let out an airy laugh. "You're so weird.. What?"

Jaehyun was looking at him with a blank look. 

"What?" Jibeom asked again.

Jaehyun smiled. "Nothing, it's just that… You just laughed.. you didn't laugh often.. especially when you're only with me."

Jibeom's mouth locked shut. Was he like that? He'd never laughed with Jaehyun?

"Did I?"

"Yeah," Jaehyun nodded solemnly. "Actually…"

"What?" 

Jaehyun looked like he's struggling to say something before he sighed.

"Nothing."

"What?" He asked again, starting to feel curious.

Jaehyun leaned back and sipped his drink. "It's nothing. Forget it."

Jibeom frowned but he decided to let go. 

"If you say so."

*****

"Did you fight?"

Jaehyun lowered his head and pretended to be busy with his chocolate milk.

"Hey."

"I just fell," The boy mumbled. Jibeom wasn't satisfied with the answer.

"You fell?" 

Jaehyun hummed. Jibeom knew Jaehyun was definitely lying. He stared at the fresh bruise on Jaehyun's cheek. 

"You should have put ice pack right away, it won't swell like this."

Jaehyun traced his cheek with his finger, his expression sullen. "I should have."

There's something about Jaehyun reminded him of his broken self. Jaehyun looked vulnerable especially when he tried to hide the reason of his bruise. Jibeom had thought of different possibilities where the bruise came from, but he tried to brush it off. It hadn't been that long since he knew Jaehyun, if the boy didn't want to tell him, he should have forced him either. Besides, he didn't want to be involved too much. 

"Are you free after school later?"

Jibeom looked up. Jaehyun must have seen something on his face that the boy suddenly looked panicked.

"I just planned to go to arcade after school and wondering whether you want to come with me. But it's okay if you don't want to. I can go on my own."

Jibeom wondered whether Jaehyun was traumatized with his behaviour last time, and he kinda felt guilty. 

"I'm free."

His answer surprised Jaehyun. "Really?"

"Yeah, I want to play in the arcade too."

Jibeom noticed that Jaehyun couldn't hide his happiness throughout the day. He didn't expect Jaehyun could be this happy. He enjoyed it himself though. Nothing felt better than having fun after school and knowing there's no homework for the next day.

The bruise on Jaehyun's cheek was the only thing that was bugging his mind. If he remember correctly, Jaehyun would have random bruise or scratches on his arm Jaehyun was the typical soft guy, it was impossible that he got into fights. The possible reason was that he's bullied. But who bullied Jaehyun?

As much as he didn't want to get involved, the thought won't leave him alone in peace.

*****

"Ohh, where's your boyfriend?"

Jibeom sent Bomin an annoyed look. "Shut up."

"Jibeom has boyfriend? Who?" Donghyun asked excitedly. Bomin rolled his eyes at the smaller boy.

"Duh, it's Jaehyun. Isn't it obvious?"

Donghyun frantically looked at Jibeom. "Since when? Why didn't I know about this?? Why didn't you tell me??"

Jibeom kicked Bomin's legs under the table and sighed. "I didn't tell you because we're not boyfriends."

Donghyun looked confused. "Huh? But Bomin…"

"They're not boyfriends," Bomin said calmly as if he didn't make Donghyun throwing a fuss. "It's just they're close."

"Oh, I thought you two.." Donghyun trailed off.

"You know me, not a chance," Jibeom started to eat his lunch. Rice and kimchi stew.

"I think you look cute together."

Bomin smiled triumphantly at Donghyun's remark. "Not you too," Jibeom rubbed his temple. "We're not boyfriends, and we won't be."

"Jaehyun's nice," Donghyun said. 

"So did Joochan."

It felt weird to say that name with his own voice. Donghyun and Bomin immediately turned silent and gazed at each other. Donghyun and Bomin knew about Joochan, about Jangjun, Sungyoon and Daeyeol. They knew about his bad experiences in love.

"You still have to try to open your heart," Donghyun awkwardly said with small voice. "So you won't regret it later."

"What for? It won't end well after all," Jibeom said. It never end well for him.

"Some people get their loved one easily, but some needs to wait for a long time. It doesn't mean they won't have one," Bomin said thoughtfully. "Like my mom was my dad's first love, but my uncle had to go through divorce before he met my aunt. And they're happily married for 20 years now."

"His uncle won't get married again if he gave up after divorce."

"Donghyun is right," Bomin said. "Imagine if you don't confess to him, and years later when you are 60, you meet him again, and it turned out he likes you too. Then you'll regret because you've wasted days or months or years being sad when you actually can be happy with him all those time!"

"Oooh, you sounds deep," Donghyun nudged the youngest, who had a proud face. 

"I have deep thought and sense."

While Donghyun and Bomin bickered, Jibeom kept quiet and questioned himself. Yes, he probably liked Jaehyun, but he wasn't sure whether he liked Jaehyun enough to take a risk. He probably just liked him as a friend, nothing more. He was still not sure of his feeling. He wanted to know, but something inside him told him to stop. He had vowed to himself not to love anybody else. He could live by himself. He didn't need love.

"So do you like Jaehyun or not?" Bomin suddenly asked him. "You know, we can help if you like him."

"I don't think he's close with other guys right now, I've only seen him hanging out with Youngtaek. But it doesn't look like there's something between them."

"Guys," Jibeom said loudly. He didn't like diacussing this, and apparently Donghyun and Bomin noticed the displease in his voice. Both of them immediately turned quiet. "Cut it out. I don't like Jaehyun that way. I'm fine with the way I am now. Just mind your own love life."

The atmosphere became uncomfortable. He felt guilty to his friends. He knew Donghyun and Bomin meant well. It's just he didn't want to talk about that.

"I remember I have something to do," He suddenly said, startling the others. "I'm leaving now."

Bomin stopped him by grabbing his arm. "Are you angry? I'm sorry. I promise I won't talk about that again. At least until you're ready."

The younger looked worried. Jibeom shook his head and gave Bomin a small smile. "I'm not angry. Thanks for your concern anyway."

"See you later then?" Donghyun unsurely asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, see you later."

While he walked away, his brain was racing. Somehow he felt afraid. He couldn't deny that he liked Jaehyun as a friend. He liked to hang out with him. There were times when Jaehyun had to do some assignments and wasn't able to have lunch with him, he felt something's missing. A simple text would make him grin, a simple meeting would make him feel warm. Not to mention how worry he was last time when he saw Jaehyun's bruised cheeks.

But he didn't welcome this feeling. Loving someone meant there's risk of heartbreak. He was so used to think he would be able to live without love that he could say he didn't like Jaehyun without batting eyelash. He could fool everyone, even his bestfriends who knew him so well, but could he fool himself?

*****

Sometimes Jibeom thought life likes to play with him. Like that time when he's hospitalized for the first and only time in his life because of intestine infection when he's in the mid of final test during middle school. And that time when he got up late, and the bus also came late, and he ended up being late to school. 

This time, while he's pondering about his feeling to Jaehyun, the latter came to him one day, with a serious look he rarely saw from Jaehyun. There were nervousness, sadness and desperation on that face. It made him nervous.

"Oh, you're here," He said carefully. The school was long over when he finished the meeting. He didn't expect to see Jaehyun near the school gate.

"Jibeom," Jaehyun said in a tone he'd never heard from Jaehyun before. Jibeom somehow wanted to run away. He didn't know why, but he had a feeling that whatever Jaehyun wanted to talk to him, he won't like it.

"Let's go home, it's late," He avoided Jaehyun's eyes and nudge the boy to walk. But Jaehyun held his arm.

"There's something I want to tell you."

Jibeom bit his lips, his finger played with the strap of his bag. "What is it?"

"Can you please at least look at me?"

Jibeom looked up in instant. Jaehyun's tone was harsh, it surprised him. However, he felt sorry for Jaehyun who seemed like he's in distress. 

"What happened with you?" He asked sincerely. "You seems.. off."

Jaehyun looked down for a while before meeting his gaze again. "Jibeom.. I.. I like you."

It felt like the time stopped and he was drowned in a foreign feeling. His heart beat weirdly, and there were tingles along his spine, making his body shivered, making his lips about to curl up. Somehow he liked it.

But..

_You can't._

A voice in his head told him. 

_Go away from it, it will make you in pain._

"I really like you," Jaehyun said again. "I guess it's been a while. I thought you're a good friend, but now I'm sure of it. I like you a lot, and I feel comfortable with you."

He still didn't say anything, nor showing some reaction, and it apparently made Jaehyun lost all the determination he had before. "Do you want to.. date me?"

The last word was barely a whispered. 

_Don't be in pain anymore._

_It's better to be numb instead of pain._

Jibeom looked down quietly. His mouth was like locked, unable to move. Rejection won't come out from his mouth. A 'yes' also refused to come out. He was torn between 2 options. But most of all, he was afraid of the consequences of each options. Jaehyun shouldn't have confessed like this. Everything would be easier if they're just merely friends.

Jaehyun, apparently caught his silence as rejection.

"It's okay, you know, even if you don't want to."

Hurt. It filled Jaehyun's voice. It made his heart ached. He didn't like it. He wanted to say something, but he still lost control over his body.

"I hope we won't get awkward because of this," Jaehyun trailed off. "It would be weird for you, sorry."

"Jaehyun.." He finally looked up. He, however, lost his ability to talk again when they gaze met. "It's.."

Jaehyun waited, but Jibeom couldn't find the right words. He couldn’t say anything beside 'sorry'.

"It's okay," Jaehyun finally said. "Thanks for.. your time."

"Jaehyun.."

"I'll get going."

And Jaehyun left like that. His steps were quick, as if he wanted to run. Jibeom closed his eyes and sighed harshly. It was not supposed to be liked this. He should feel relieved. He shouldn't feel bad about this. Why did he feel hurt?

*****

Jibeom munching his rice with no energy. Donghyun and Bomin both were eating silently on their shared table, stealing gaze at each other from time to time. Jibeom didn't tell them about Jaehyun's confession. He could already predicted their reaction if he told them anyway.

The confession was a week ago, and since then, he hadn't spoken to Jaehyun. Jaehyun was avoiding him. Well, Jibeom didn't blame him. He understood. But he missed Jaehyun.

"Jibeom," Donghyun opened the conversation quietly. "Did you and Jaehyun fight or something? You've been acting weird for some times. You two haven't talked to each other. Tell us, maybe we can help?"

Jibeom made some noises with his throat, not knowing what to respond.

"Do you want us to talk to him?" Donghyun offered again.

"Well, it's not strange Jaehyun doesn't hang out with us anymore," Bomin stated, making his two friends turned their attention to him. "People do that when they have found lovers. Although I'm a bit disappointed he ditches us for his boyfriend."

Something tugged his heart. 

"What are you talking about?" Donghyun widened his eyes.

"Well.. You know, since Jaehyun and Youngtaek are a thing now-"

"Jaehyun and Youngtaek?"

Jibeom was surprised as well, but he didn't voice it. Bomin looked perplexed. "Uhh, so you guys don't know?" He rubbed his nape awkwardly. "I've just found out yesterday, but I thought you know already."

"Son Youngtaek? I've never thought that..I thought they're close friends."

"Yeah, I heard him talked with Joon."

"Ahh, now that you talked about it, I saw them walking home together yesterday."

"Yeah, I also saw-" Bomin immediately shut up when his eyes caught a sullen Jibeom. He silently gestured Donghyun to be quiet too. The atmosphere turned awkward.

Bomin cleared his throat. "Hm, anyway, are you guys free tomorrow? Want to go to arcade?"

"I'm in!" Donghyun chimed in. "Let's go to the one in Hongdae, I heard they have new stuffs."

"Oh yeah, I heard that too. Are you coming too Jibeom?"

Jibeom blinked. His mind wasn't in the conversation. But arcade reminded him of Jaehyun. He and Jaehyun went to that arcade in Hongdae too.

"I don't know."

Bomin showed him an understanding smile, as if he knew the battle in mind. "Just tell us if you want to come. But I hope you'll come with us."

*****

Jibeom walked slowly, putting his hands inside the pocket. It would be autumn soon, the weather was getting colder. The cool breeze made him feel gloomier.

The news of Jaehyun and Youngtaek together was very surprising. He knew Youngtaek and Jaehyun were elementary school friends and they met again in English club. Sure they were close. However, their interaction mostly was like childish banter between two old friends, not more than that. 

He felt so weird about it. He missed talking with Jaehyun, and the thought of Jaehyun being with someone else bothered him more. But most of all , he felt angry. Jaehyun had just confessed his love to him a week ago and now he's with Youngtaek? What was that? Was Jaehyun joking when he confessed? Did Jaehyun like him or Youngtaek?

His jaw clenched. Really, he should be thankful he didn't blindly trusted Jaehyun. Jaehyun had almost fooled him. 

He hated that in the corner of his mind, he still hoped that Jaehyun would be his.

He stopped dead on his track. The subject of his worry was right in front of him, right in front of an convenience store. Jaehyun was with Youngtaek. They talked for a while, then Youngtaek went inside the convenience store, while Jaehyun waited outside. As if he felt someone was watching him, Jaehyun turned his head to the side, and their eyes met.

"I heard about you and Youngtaek," Jibeom said out of the blue after he stopped near Jaehyun.

Jaehyun was speechless for a while before bowing his head.

"You moved on very quickly. I shouldn't have felt bad about it." He talked before he could stop himself. He was hurt and angry. "I questioned myself, whether you play with me, or play with Youngtaek. I don't know you're this kind of person."

Jaehyun still bowed his head, so he couldn't see his expression. But he could see Jaehyun's body shook. He was aware that he had hurt Jaehyun, but he was angry and he wanted Jaehyun to know the pain he's feeling.

"Well, that's your life, but I hate I have to be involved in this."

He meant every single word, but it didn't mean it didn't hurt him. He clenched his fists and walked away. He wished Jaehyun would call him and told him that he's wrong, that he had explanation. The silence was like confirming what he's thinking.

It was sad that their friendship had to end like this.

*****

Months passed, Jibeom buried himself in study and extra classes. He didn't actually need to attend extra class, but he did it anyway. It was better to use his brain to study than thinking other things that would make his heart hurt. He volunteered in pet shelter on weekends and so far it was effective to drive him away from bad thoughts. 

He finally told Donghyun and Bomin about Jaehyun's confession and his anger towards the boy. His friends listened quietly, and thankfully quite supportive of him. It made him feel better, but also guilty, since he lied that he didn't feel anything towards Jaehyun.

"You don't want us anymore," Donghyun sulked one day during lunch. "How many times you've ditch us in a week? Three times! And I asked you out three times! You rejected me everytime!"

Jibeom felt guilty for his friends, he did. He missed hanging out with them too.

"It's not that.."

"You won't forget our sleepover party next week right? I've told you last week."

Jibeom smiled. "Don't worry about that. I got it. I need to buy chicken right?"

"Yes, and cola," Bomin nodded. "Good, you don't completely forget."

"Come on," Jibeom groaned. "You talk like I have amnesia or something."

"You seem like it," Donghyun said. "Or zombie. You just go to school and study and that's all."

"Lay off you extra class. You're doing well, do you want to be the top student or what?" Bomin complained. "Except you want to beat me. But it won't be easy."

Jibeom laughed and punched Bomin's arm lightly. Donghyun joined the force and soon they're both laughing enjoying Bomin torture attack. Suddenly, in the mid of fun, he caught the sight of Jaehyun, Youngtaek and Bae Seungmin entering cafeteria. Donghyun and Bomin stopped laughing.

There was something strange. Youngtaek didn't sling his arm around Jaehyun as usual, they walked side by side but Youngtaek was busy chatting with Seungmin. Jaehyun accidentally looked at their direction and saw the three of them were watching him. Jaehyun stopped on his track and whispered something on Youngtaek's ears and hastily left. Youngtaek's eyes caught Jibeom's. He sighed before resumed walking.

Donghyun and Bomin looked at each other and continued eating like they didn't say anything. It was weird also especially Bomin because that kid liked to talk but he kept quiet this time.

"Why?" Jibeom eyed them weirdly.

Donghyun almost jumped on his seat, an action that made him look even more suspicious. "W-what? Nothing. I didn't say anything? Why?"

Jibeom frowned then shifted his attention to Bomin. the youngest met his eyes bravely although it's obviously he's a bit flustered. "Why are you looking at me? I know I'm handsome but-"

Jibeom put his chopstick in front of Bomin's mouth to shut him off.

"Whatever," He said. "But no need to look like you're walking on a shell if you want to talk about him. It's not that it affect me anymore."

He knew his friends were trying to be careful around him. He lied when he said it didn't affect him anymore, but he's tired of the treatment Donghyun and Bomin gave him. He's not a kid anymore, he could handle this.

_But it affected you a lot. That's why you work yourself to maximum point so you won't think about him anymore._

He pondered on what his mind told him but immediately brushed it off. He vowed not to let this matter bring him down. He's stronger than that.

"Hey," He called his friends. "I don't feel like going to extra class today. Want to want movies?"

*****

New school year started, and he was unlucky. Donghyun and Bomin were in the same class, but he was in other class with Youngtaek. It was awkward since Youngtaek became his assigned seatmate.

"Hi," Youngtaek said, he had a small smile but his expression was tense.

Jibeom nodded. "Hi."

Youngtaek quietly put his bag down and sat on the empty chair. "It's been quite long."

"Yeah."

Youngtaek and Jibeom was classmates during their 1st year of high school, but they've never been close. Youngtaek was loud and weird, not a bad one, their personalities just didn't match. They interacted once in a while because he's Jaehyun's friend, but that's all.

"You want?" Youngtaek casually offered him gummies, which he politely rejected. "Not into sweet things?" 

"It's not that," He trailed off. "It's still morning-"

"That's why we need sugar!" Youngtaek slapped his back, made him jumped in surprise. The taller boy laughed.

"Why are you so uptight? Loosen up! Not like we're strangers."

"We've never been close," Jibeom pointed out.

"Then it's time to be close."

Youngtaek was stubborn, Jibeom wasn't surprised anymore. But being close with Youngtaek seemed impossible. He's not good socializing with new friends, they had different group of friends, and mostly, Jaehyun was like a wall between him and Youngtaek. It's weird.

"Okay," He finally said, thinking it would be rude to reject.

There's something Youngtaek wanted to say, from the look of his face, but no words coming out from his mouth. He only gave Jibeom a vague smile and then pulled out his books.

Jibeom felt like something was hidden from him.

*****

It was raining when he walked home. But fortunately he brought umbrella. He thanked his father in his head, for turning on TV that morning, and he heard the weather forecaster said it would be raining hard thay day. He had umbrella, but at this point, he would be drenched anyway because of the strong wind. 

Right just he round on the corner, he saw Jaehyun standing in front of an ice cream shop. The boy surely didn't bring umbrella. Jaehyun was just standing there, looking at nothing particular. Lost in thoughts, like always.

He would need to pass Jaehyun to go home, and there was 2 options. He could walk quickly and cover his face with umbrella, or offer Jaehyun to walk home together. He knew Jaehyun's house, it's only 10 minutes walk away. Honestly, he had never talked with Jaehyun again after that encounter in front of convenience store. When was it? 5 months ago?

It would be awkward, but it would be cruel too if he pretended not to see. The rain was quite hard and it didn't seem like stopping anytime soon. He chewed his bottom lips. It was so hard to make decision.

In the end he just followed his heart. He took a deep breath before walking slowly approaching the boy. Jaehyun didn't even realized he was there even when he's just right beside him. 

"Let's go together."

Jaehyun jumped on surprise. 

"Jibeom.."

"We go to the same direction anyway. And I don't think the rain will stop soon."

Jaehyun was hesitating, and to save themselves from awkwardness, Jibeom pulled Jaehyun closer so they were both standing under his umbrella. 

"I don't-"

"I'm not that heartless, you know," Jibeom said. "Let's walk quickly, it's so cold."

The walked side by side in silence, their shoulders brushed against each other from time to time. It was awkward, but Jibeom didn't know what he should say. Jaehyun didn't bother to make a conversation, and it irked him to the core. He remembered the stubborn Jaehyun who waited for him for hours to clear misunderstanding. The silence honestly made him guilty although he didn't know what he felt guilty for.

"I'll stop there," Suddenly Jaehyun said, pointing to a mini market a few meters in front of them. "I'll buy an umbrella."

"I don't mind sharing umbrella. Our house are not that far."

Jaehyun kept quiet for a while. "I'm not heading home."

He wanted to ask where he's heading, but decided against it. He felt weird, afraid that he's being too friendly and giving Jaehyun false hope. He nodded and walked to the mini market. Jaehyun stepped under the mini market shelter. There was something in Jaehyun's eyes, like there were so many things to say.

"Thank you."

Jibeom stared at Jaehyun's back before walking away. It was just a simple encounter, a few minutes walking under the same umbrella, but it awakened the feeling he had tried to bury inside his heart.

He wouldn't deny again that he liked Jaehyun. But not that he and Jaehyun would end up together anyway.

*****

"Judging from my fate in this life, I'm sure I was a bad guy. Maybe I was an assassin who killed innocent people."

They're walking in the packed corridor. Break time would end soon, and he had to go back to class. Donghyun scoffed, but Bomin looked unbothered and continued sipping his Hershey chocolate milk. "I'd said you were a hero in past life because you're able to meet me in this life, even having the honor to be my best friend."

Jibeom wanted to smack Bomin's head, but he still had mercy and thought Bomin won't like it if he spilled his drink. Donghyun didn't give a damn and smack Bomin's back. The youngest choked but thankfully didn't spilled his chocolate milk. 

"Your narcissm will backfire someday I swear."

Bomin pouted. "If you didn't notice, I was just joking to lift Jibeom's mood up."

"Still.." Donghyun trailed off and looked at him. "What makes you think you're the most pitiful human being in the planet?"

"You're classmates, that's first," He pointed out. "Then you have Ms. Kim as science teacher while I get the killer Mr. Park. Your class went to Jeonju for the research trip while mine went to museum in Seoul only. My PE class is in the afternoon when the sun is right above our heads, while yours is in the morning when the weather is still cool. There are so many things, I can list it to you if you want."

"No need, thanks," Bomin answered. "It's not that bad, why do you think it's good to have Donghyun as classmates."

Jibeom sighed when Donghyun leapt to attack Bomin again. Bomin was fast enough to run away.

"See you later!" Bomin shouted while Donghyun ignored him since he was too busy chasing Bomin. He waved and went into the class. 

Seungmin was sitting on his seat, while talking with Youngtaek with hushed voice. Again, he felt weird. Youngtaek spent more time with best friend compared with his own boyfriend. It's not that weird to spend times with friends instead of lover, but recently, everytime he saw Youngtaek and Jaehyun, there would be Seungmin with them. 

Seungmin looked up when Jibeom's was close. "Oh, hi, Jibeom."

They had came to know Seungmin as well as the petite boy has visited Youngtaek numerous of times. Jaehyun had never went to his class, probably avoiding Jibeom like he had done for the past few months. It's not strange that Jaehyun avoided him after all he had said to the boy. 

But still, something didn't feel right.

"You can sit down," He said when Seungmin stood up. "I'll sit somewhere else."

"It's ok, I have to go back to class anyway," Seungmin then turned to Youngtaek. "Don't be late for our date tomorrow. You late, you pay, and I'll choose the most expensive food in the menu."

"I know!" Youngtaek looked offended. "I was late once but you keep on remember it. I have waited for you more than you wait for me!"

Seungmin stuck his tongue and waltzed away. Jibeom blinked.

"You… Seungmin… Date?" He asked confusedly.

Youngtaek glanced at him, his was still annoyed judging from his face. "I swear he's so annoying sometimes, I don't know why I date him honestly."

"You said he's cute but sexy," One of his classmates, Joon, suddenly chimed in. Youngtaek threw a book to him. "Shut up!"

Still stunned, Jibeom wordlessly sat down. "I- I thought you and Jaehyun.."

Youngtaek looked surprised. "Uh.. Jaehyun didn't tell you?" That brat!" Youngtaek muttered under his breath after he saw Jibeom's clueless face.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing," Youngtaek looked uneasy. "But yeah, me and Jaehyun broke up. Months ago."

"Months ago," Jibeom muttered in shock. He didn't know. "Why?"

Youngtaek looked like he's thinking for a while. "Why do you want to know?"

The question made Jibeom taken aback. 

Why did he want to know?

"I know you stop befriend him," Youngtaek said in quiet voice. "You shouldn't, I tell you."

Something was definitely not right. "What do you mean?"

"I heard you," Youngtaek said without looking at him. "That time in front of convenience store. I wanted to buy drink but I forgot my wallet, I heard what you told him."

Jibeom's memory wandered back to that event. It was months ago, but it's still vivid in his mind. He had no idea that Youngtaek heard him.

The bell suddenly rang. The class suddenly got so noisy as the students gradually came.

"You made me upset when I heard you, to be honest. But I can understand why you're angry. You're wrong, it's not his fault," Youngtaek told him. "It's my fault."

"What do you mean?" The alarm rang inside Jibeom's head. What was that?

"Youngtaek, what did you mean with that?" He urgently asked. "What do you mean it's your fault?"

"I don't know if I should say this-"

"Quickly sit down, we'll start the lesson!" Mr. Park had walked into the class.

"Youngtaek!" 

"We'll talk. After school."

Youngtaek looked at him with finality in his voice.

*****

They bid Seungmin in front of school gate. Seungmin reminded Youngtaek again about their date for the next day, then bid them goodbye. Whatever Youngtaek was going to tell him, Seungmin knew. Jibeom saw it in Seungmin's eyes.

"I know a nice creepe store over there," Youngtaek pointed at a certain spot in the road. "Let's go there and talk."

Jibeom didn't care where, he just wanted to know what Youngtaek was going to say.

They ordered their crêpe and sat down on a small table in the corner of the store. 

"So what is it?" Jibeom didn't beat around the bush. He became impatient since Youngtaek calmly took a bit of his crêpe.

"I'm quiet because I'm thinking whether I'm doing is right or not."

"You know I won't let you go before you talk to me."

Youngtaek looked at him sourly. "I didn't know you're the aggressive type. Alright.. alright.." He gave up after Jibeom sent him a threatening look.

"So.. where should I start?"

"What did I now know? Everybody.. You, Donghyun, Bomin, even Seungmin. Seemed like you all know something I don't know."

Youngtaek leaned back on his chair. "You see.. I knew Jaehyun since elementary. We lost contact when we separated during middle school. I didn't even know he moved here. And once I arrived, he's already so close to you," Youngtaek eyed him. "He likes you, that boy, but he's afraid to ruin your friendship because he didn't think you like him."

"Jaehyun has an issue with his father," Youngtaek continued. "I know because my mom told me. She knew his parents. His dad was abusive. Seems like it's getting worse after his mom passed away. I think he's craving for love. I can understand that. He told me he confessed to you after a big fight with his father. He just wanted someone to hold him. He came to me after that, and I… He used me, because I let him."

The revelation was crazy. It reminded him of Jaehyun's bruise on the cheek. It reminded him of his own broken. Only that he's luckier because he had a normal father. 

"I told him if you can't return his love, I wouldn't mind to replace you."

"What?"

"He's my friend. I like him, and he needed someone. I don't think I would mind to be with him. He's comfortable enough to share things with me, I can learn to love him, and maybe he could love me back one day. He told me I'm crazy," Youngtaek scoffed at the memory. "But he accepted it the next day, he must have been so desperate."

It must have been what regret felt like. That words that came out from his mouth, probably had hurt Jaehyun more than the pain he felt. It's all because he's a coward who was afraid to be hurt.

"I don't think he liked it even if he agreed. Especially after you met him that day.. He suggested that we should end everything since it won't be fair to me. Because he likes you a lot he said he didn't think he'll like me that way." 

The strawberry on Jibeom's crêpe fell down but he paid no heed. So that's why..

"Anyway," Youngtaek straightened up. "I made him promise me that he'll explain to you after we break up. I guess he didn't have gut. Or maybe he didn't want to make things even more awkward. I don't blame you, you know, you can't force someone to like you back right. Jaehyun is…" He sighed. "He just likes the wrong person."

"Oh, it sounds like I said you're a bad person," Youngtaek laughed sourly. "I mean, he should have liked someone who like him back. That silly guy."

No, Youngtaek was wrong.

It's not that he didn't like Jaehyun.

"Jaehyun won't like it if he know I've told you everything. But it's his fault he didn't say it to you by himself," Youngtaek grumbled. "I just think even if you don't talk each other anymore, please don't hate him, he'd had enough bad things to carry on his back. And he'd moved to his grandma's house, so I guess he's better now since he doesn't live with his father anymore."

"I feel so shitty right now," He said out of the blue. He felt like the bad guy.

"Hey, it's not your fault you know," Youngtaek quickly said. "I said Jaehyun has no luck since he likes someone who doesn't liking him back. And you have no luck since someone who you don't like, liking you. But he's getting better now. I mean, people won't die because of incorporated love right? He'll get over you soon, so you shouldn't be burdened by it. I'm sure he doesn't want you to feel burdened too. Hey-"

Youngtaek panicked when his classmate suddenly broke down in front of him.

"Ya, Kim Jibeom, why did you cry huh?" 

Jibeom blinked. Why did it feel so hurt? He and Jaehyun were just kids who crave for love, love that can compensate the love their parents couldn't give them. Jaehyun who braved himself to confessed to him, but he ran away in the fear to be hurt again, but ended up hurting Jaehyun and himself.

"Kim Jibeom!" Youngtaek grabbed a napkin and shove it to his face. "Stop crying, people are starting to look at us. They'll think I hurt you. Hey! God, we should have talked in somewhere private."

He felt suffocated. How he wished he could turn back time and made everything right. He remembered Bomin's words. He hadn't reached even 60. It's just less than a year he rejected Jaehyun. But he guess it was the regret that he's feeling. A few months time, which he could pass happily, had been wasted into getting hurt. 

Worse thing was, he wasn't sure how to make things right.

*****

"Since when did you know?"

Bomin bit his lips, one of the rare occasion to see him unsure. Both him and Donghyun looked at each other. Jibeom knew they were pushing each other beneath the table. 

"Uh.. know what?" Bomin asked, unsure.

"About Jaehyun."

"What about Jaehyun?"

"He broke up with Youngtaek."

Jibeom saw Donghyun and Bomin's expression and it confirmed that they indeed knew. He gritted his teeth. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

"Why we should tell you?" Bomin answered back.

"You know about other things too."

There was a brief pause. Donghyun sighed. "We know you. You're kind, maybe too kind for your own good. You'll feel guilty if we tell you. You've suffered enough, I know you feel bad after confronting Jaehyun. So, we think you don't need to know. Besides… you don't like Jaehyun that way right. It won't change anything."

Bomin sent him a guilty look this time. "I kinda know this would happen since you would know about Youngtaek and Seungmin soon, so we've told Jaehyun about you."

"You did what?"

Donghyun flinched. It was so rare to see Jibeom getting angry like this. Bomin looked at him bravely. "I know you would rather fall from the stairs than telling him about your trauma. And we," He glanced at Donghyun, "Think that telling him the truth will make you two feel at ease."

"How's that making us at ease?"

"Well, it'll definitely make him feel better that you rejected him because you're not up to any romantic relationship, not because you dislike him or something," Bomin answered calmly despite Jibeon's harsh tone. "And second, at least some misunderstandings are clear. He said he understand and even thanked me for telling him. And third, you're partially guilty and we're trying to help you so you shouldn't get angry at us too."

Donghyun kicked Bomin under the table, but Jibeom kept quiet.

"Don't be so harsh on him," Donghyun whispered to Bomin.

"I'm just saying the truth," Bomin hissed to Donghyun back although he felt bad for Jibeom. 

"You can just apologize you know," The tallest of the 3 said. "Say sorry for misunderstanding and invite him to sit together with us for lunch. Rejecting confession doesn't have to mean you cut friendship."

Jibeom sighed deeply. "I don't know how to face him."

"He understands your situation, don't worry," Donghyun patted his arm. "I don't think he's they type who hold grudges too."

"I hope I've never known about all of this," Jibeom said as if he didn't hear Donghyun's words.

"The thought that he had a hard time with his dad and he came to me but I brushed him off is killing me. I just wanted to protect myself from getting hurt, but I ended hurting him a lot."

"You can't force youself to like someone-"

"I like him," Jibeom finally admitted, surprising Donghyun and Bomin.

"But.. you said.."

"I like him, but I'm not sure either," He played with his fingers. "I like to be with him, talking to him, but I'm not sure whether I like him enough, and.. I'm afraid.."

"That's the most stupid reason ever," Donghyun cut him off sternly. "I know you're afraid, but he likes you and you like him. What's stopping you?"

He pondered for a moment. "I don't know."

He honestly didn't know.

*****

Jibeom rushed out that day and leaned on the school gate, waiting for Jaehyun. He had been thinking for 3 days, and he had come into conclusion that even if he couldn't figure out his fear for relationship, at least he had to apologize to Jaehyun.

He'd told Donghyun and Bomin about this, and both of them supported and left him good luck pat on his back before leaving.

Waiting wasn't something he liked, especially that he's waiting the moment he's dreading for. He had arranged words in his mind, apology and some kind words about the boy. However, it evaporated into thin air as he saw Jaehyun walking pass the school gate.

Jaehyun didn't saw him. He walked with fingers hooked on his bag straps, eyes gazing down to his shoes. Jibeom didn't call him, but followed him quietly. He kept distance from Jaehyun, far enough to not look like a stalker, but near enough to keep his eyes on the boy.

Although they didn't interact with each other, but he's quite entertained with Jaehyun's action. The boy walked like he's in his own world, trying to walk on the white lines painted on the road. Sometimes Jaehyun would skip, and a few times stumbled on nothing. He didn't realize he was smiling.

It was near the mini market that he last time dropped Jaehyun off when he remembered Jaehyun didn't live with his father anymore. Jibeom followed the other quietly. Jaehyun kept on walking, until they reached an unfamiliar surrounding. It was an area which full of old housings. He was busy looking around that he didn't notice that Jaehyun had stopped and turned around.

He'd been caught red handed.

"Hi," He lamely greeted Jaehyun who only stared at him blankly.

"Are you following me?" Jaehyun timidly asked.

Jibeom sighed and nodded. "Sorry."

Jaehyun chewed his lips. "Why?"

He opened and closed his mouth, unable to form a word. "I uh… It's long overdue.. but.. I'm sorry.. For accusing you.."

The other boy looked at him for a long time, thinking, then there's realization in his eyes. "Youngtaek told you," He stated rather than asking.

"I thought you two are together, then I saw him with Seungmin," He chuckled to himself. "I feel stupid to be honest. I mean I saw them together a lot but it never crossed in my mind that they're together.

Jaehyun lowered his head. When he looked up again, there's a small smile on his face. He knew it was a force one. "Is okay. I can see why you're angry anyway."

"Still, I did you wrong."

Sadness was written all over Jaehyun's face despite the smile on his face. "Alright, I forgive you although I don't think about it anymore, don't worry."

Jibeom didn't know whether he had to feel relieved or not. In one side, he's relieved that Jaehyun forgive him. In the other side, he knew Jaehyun was lying when he said he didn't think about it anymore.

"Can I make it up to you? I'll treat you something.."

Jaehyun was like an open book. He clearly could see mixed emotion on his face. After his offer, he could see contemplation.

"Thank you, but you don't have to do that. You don't owe me anything."

Jibeom stepped closer until they're in a more comfortable distance. "Hey, listen..," He put his hands in his pocket nervously. "About what you said last time-"

"I understand," Jaehyun cut him swiftly. "Donghyun and Bomin told me, and although I'm not agree with you, I mean.." The boy stammered, "I mean I believe you'll find someone.."

"I don't-"

"Anyway," Jaehyun cut him off again, a bit loudly this time. Jibeom looked confusedly at Jaehyun gave him a big smile. "Don't worry, I'm over you already."

It's strange how he suddenly felt emptiness. His feet were rooted on the road, his mind was blank.

He was going to say 'I want to give us a try.'

He was going to say 'I like you, but I was afraid."

Jaehyun was oblivious of Jibeom's change of expression as he kept on talking. "I was sad, but there this hyung, he's my new neighbor, he comforted me. We clicked so well.. And.. We'd just started going out now."

"That's.." Jibeom said breathlessly. "That's great."

"Yeah," Jaehyun chuckled, saying his body side by side. "So don't feel bad about it."

"Hm, okay.."

"Then I'll get going," Jaehyun pointed at the road behind him. "I promised grandma to help her with something."

"O-oh."

"Bye."

Jaehyun didn't wait for his reply. The boy had already turned his back on him and started to walk away rather fast.

He stared at Jaehyun's retreating back and smiled bitterly to himself. He'd been avoiding heartbreak, and yet, he experienced it one more time. What made it more painful was that this time, it was all his fault.

*****

Jaehyun started to avoid him less, that's what he felt. Whenever they walked pass each other on the halfway, instead of pretending not to see him, Jaehyun met his eyes and offered him a small smile. It was good, but his heart had withered from the loss.

"So…" Bomin dragged his word, after watching him and Jaehyun exchanged small greeting. "You two made up?"

Jibeom sighed. "Yeah."

"You don't look happy though?" Donghyun asked confusedly.

"Tell us what happened," Bomin whined, tugging his sleeve.

He knew very well his friends won't leave him alone unless he told them what happened. With heavy heart, he told his friends about his encounter with Jaehyun.

Once he's done, he found Donghyun and Bomin stared at him weirdly. He groaned. "Don't look at me like that. I deserve it, ok, I get it."

"It's not it," Donghyun quickly defended. "I'm just.. sorry for you."

"But maybe you'll find someone else too," Bomin chipped in. "You know, like Jaehyun."

"Yeah, thanks guys. Want to hang out later?" He shifted the conversation, pretending not to see Donghyun and Bomin glanced to each other.

"Let's just play kart rider in my house. Mom and dad is away,, and Minchan will be home late," Donghyun offered. 

"I want to try your new game!" Bomin jumped on Donghyun's back in excitement. 

Jibeom smiled a little while watching the scene. This was the only thing he could do to himself, to distract him from his heartbreak. He's thankful that he had Donghyun and Bomin to help him.

*****

"What are you talking about, Jaehyun doesn't have boyf-" Youngtaek's abruptly stopped, his eyes widened. "Oh."

Youngtaek had just teased him about courting Jaehyun and he'd just said the taller man was ridiculous because Jaehyun and a boyfriend and he didn't want to be a relationship wrecker. 

Jibeom furrowed his brows at Youngtaek's weird response and behavior. The taller man just laughed awkwardly and tousled his already messy hair. "What am I talking about haha, oh.. Wait, I need to pee."

Without waiting for his response, Youngtaek dashed out from the classroom. He looked at Youngtaek's back as everything started to click in his head.

He waited until the class ended and he held Youngtaek's hand to prevent him from running away. 

"If I say I'll tell Jaehyun I like him, will you stop lying to me?"

Youngtaek's first reaction was, "Do you like him? For real? Aw!"

Jibeom pinched the boy because his loud voice made some heads turned towards them. 

"Not too loud," He whispered. Youngtaek looked around with wide eyes and then he started to talk fast with hushed voice. Thankfully they're sitting at the very back and everyone was eager to leave class as soon as possible and went home.

"So.. do you? Really? I thought you're not into romantic things? I thought you're loveless?"

Jibeom huffed. "Yes."

"Yes whatt?" Youngtaek grew impatient. "Yes you like him? Or yes you are no into romantic things or yes you are loveless?"

"I like him," He admitted with a small voice, face flushed. It's embarrassing to talk about it.

Youngtaek stated him for a few moment before smacking the back of his head hard.

"Ouch! What's that for?"

"If you like him why did you reject him?" Youngtaek scowled. "You only realized you like him now after he's gone?"

Instead of answering the accusation, he asked back. "Jaehyun lied about the boyfriend thing right?"

Youngtaek was still glaring at him. He stared back with square shoulders, showing that he's serious.

"Tch.. Yeah, he told me he lied," Youngtaek finally broke the eye contact. His face softened for a few seconds before glaring at him again. "You know what, I feel so bad because I keep exposing his secret, but I feel like I have to do this because I just want to help him and I trust you. Don't mess this up again, do you understand? If you mess up, I swear I won't let you at peace until we graduate from high school."

Jibeom halfheartedly listened to Youngtaek's rambling. So Jaehyun lied about his boyfriend. He wasn't angry, he knew full well why Jaehyun lied. What he only felt was relief because he might still have a chance, and a bit anxiety thinking how he'll confess his feeling to Jaehyun.

"Ya! You dare to space out on me?" Youngtaek swatted his shoulder, waking him up from his thoughts. He smiled sheepishly. 

"Thank you, Taek. I won't mess up, I promise, at least I'll try hard not to. Wish me luck."

He hastily put his book into his bag and ran out from the classroom. He ran to Jaehyun's classroom, but finding that the boy had left. However, he was determined to do it today. When he didn't find Jaehyun even after walking to school gate, he walked down the path like the one Jaehyun took the other day. His heart was beating fast because of the running and nervousness.

After a few minutes of fast walking, he finally saw a familiar back. His feet stopped for a while, and the coward part of him started to whisper things to his head. That's it, if he started this, he couldn't back out anymore. There's a chance he would get hurt, or maybe he'll hurt Jaehyun, but there's also a chance that he would find the love he'd been longing for and be happy.

One more look at Jaehyun's back, and he inhaled deeply.

He wanted to take the chance. No matter what would happen later, he didn't want to regret. Jaehyun might have been the answer of everything he wanted.

His steps were slow and steady, but gradually, he fastened the pace.

Jaehyun made a small shrieking sound when he grabbed the boy's arm. His eyes widened to see him. "Jibeom?"

Jibeom looked around, and softly dragged Jaehyun to the side where there were less people.

"W-what happened?" Jaehyun looked panicked and curious.

"I like you," Jibeom said straightforwardly. It felt good once he said it out, but also nerve wrecking because Jaehyun was only looking at him quietly. His face was burnt in embarrassment.

"I've been liking you. I don't know since when, but I guess it's way before you told me you like me. I've only had 2 people I trust, Donghyun and Bomin, but I trust you too, and I feel comfortable around you. When you said you like me, I was happy, but I'm scared I'll get hurt. There hadn't been a day I didn't feel guilty since then. I doubt myself, I keep on asking myself whether what I did was right. And maybe I'm jealous when I knew you and Youngtaek were together. And I'm heartbroken when you said you've found someone else. But I deserve it after all the pain I cause you."

"J-Jibeom.." Jaehyun's lips quivered. "Is.. Is that true?"

He nodded. "I don't want to regret, and I'm sorry it takes a long time for me to realize my stupidity. I like you. Will you go out with me?"

Jibeom could feel his heartbeat accelerated. It's been so long since he felt this. Since Joochan happened. But somehow, he was positive this would work. 

"But.." Jaehyun twirled his hands idly.

"Your boyfriend.. It's a lie right?"

Jaehyun's face flushed, but didn't deny it. Carefully, he took Jaehyun's hands. Jaehyun flinched at the contact, but let him.

"I want to show you that I'm okay," Jaehyun mumbled without looking at his eyes. It made Jibeom felt pain in his heart.

"Are you?" He asked.

The other boy looked at him with uncertain eyes for a fraction and looked down again. 

Jibeom bit his lips. He felt like he had hurt Jaehyun that the boy didn't trust him anymore. Jaehyun's hand was still in his grasp, and he tugged it to get his attention. Jaehyun seemed reluctant.

"You haven't answered me. Will you.. go out with me?"

"Are you sure you want this, Jibeom?" Jaehyun sounded tiredly, like he had given up.

Jaehyun was really doubting him. How could he make Jaehyun feel what he's feeling?

"I'll pretend we're not having this conversation."

He caught Jaehyun's arm again before the boy could walk away. Jaehyun misunderstood, he's not silent because he's doubting himself.

"I'm sure," He said with absolute certainty. He remembered the enjoyable time he spent with Jaehyun, and the miserable time when they're not in talking term. "I was always afraid to love. I saw my parents' failure, I experienced heartbreaks, and I willed myself not to fall in love again. But I can't lie you made my resolve crumbled. Even if there's only 50 percent chance we'll last forever, I'm willing to take it. We're not talking for months, and I don't want that to happen again. I miss you. I need you to stay with me."

Jaehyun's face displayed rich emotion. Jibeom knew he had said sentimental words he'd never said before. Jaehyun must have weirded out. There're so many words he wanted to say, but he didn't know how to convey it.

"We're broken. But.. I think.. You can heal me, and at the same time, I want to heal you. Would you let me?"

Jaehyun gripped their clasped hand tightly. His eyes were moist but his lips curved up. "Are you really really sure? I ask you one last time, you can't back out anymore."

Jibeom laughed breathlessly, the heaviness in his heart was instantly lifted up after he saw Jaehyun's smile. "I'm 100 percent sure I want this."

Jaehyun bit his lips, trying not to smile too wide while shifted his hand so their fingers intertwined with each other. Jibeom saw their tangled fingers. It made him feel warm inside.

"So, will you go out with me?" He asked, and Jaehyun laughed, his body shook and their shoulders bumped into each other.

"You still need to ask?"

"Is it a yes?" 

Peoole might see them weirdly. Two high school boys in uniform, holding hands, laughing at the side of the road. But Jibeom didn't care. The feeling he's feeling at the moment was too overwhelming to think about other things. It felt so right. He's happy.

"Of course, dummy!" Jaehyun laughed, and Jibeom thought he looked very beautiful. His heart swelled.

"Then let's go for our first date."

"When?"

"Now."

*****

Jaehyun unlocked his apartment door and found it dark and empty. With a disappointed sigh, he walked in, took off his shoes, and then dropped his bag on the counter.

His relationship with Jibeom was great. They had survived for 7 years. It was 7 years of happiness but there were times, he were haunted with fear. What if Jibeom finally fell out of love? What if Jibeom find someone else?

They had to separate after high school. Jibeom pursuing engineering while he pursued literature in different university. They're in different world, and sometimes he's worried that Jibeom would love his new world more, a world without him.

When they started dating he had begun to prepare his heart for possibilities that breakup would happen. It's not something he wished to come, and Jibeom had been nothing but a loving boyfriend. He just wanted to be prepared when the time comes.

Jibeom suggested them to share apartment 1 year after graduated. Jibeom said that he found a perfect place. Not too expensive, quite near to their respective work places, and so that they can spend more time together. He instantly agreed. They're getting busy after started working, and they couldn't meet each other as often as before. Besides, it's a significant step on their relationship. Jibeom suggested they lived together was like a confirmation that Jibeom still liked him enough.

His heart had been much more in ease after living together. Jibeom's work in an international hardware company was good, and he himself enjoyed his work as a translator in a publishing company. Although they're busy and sometimes can't really meet and talk leisurelt with each other because of overtime and deadlines, they had weekends to spend together and catch up with each other's news.

However, lately his fear started to lurk in again.

It was subtle, but he noticed how Jibeom had been acting strange in the last two weeks. He's still affectionate, but he felt like Jibeom was hiding something from him. He caught Jibeom went to other room to receive phone call, and how he talked in hushed voice as if didn't want him to hear. Jibeom wasn't like this before, they had no secret between them. A few times, he noticed Jibeom went home late, saying he had something to do before going home. Whenever he asked, the man would only give him vague answer and then trying to distract him with something else.

The empty apartment made him scared. He'd told Jibeom he would go home late because of deadline. He had expected to find Jibeom home once he arrived. Jibeom didn't inform him either that he would be late. 

Maybe Jibeom's seeing someone else?

He heart was already pounding from the thought. He tried to shake the feeling away by drinking cold water and took shower. His body was sore from sitting too long, and his brain was also exhausted from working non stop. He took quick shower, wishing that he could greet Jibeom once the man came back. Then maybe Jibeom would tell him where he went.

20 minutes later, he'd been in pajama, but Jibeom hadn't gone home. It was almost 9.30. Jibeom had never gone home this late. He started to worry.

Just as he's about to dial Jibeom's number, the door opened rather harshly, making him jump in surprise. Jibeom was panted like he'd been running all the way up. He had a plastic back which likely contained takeaway food.

Jaehyun felt terribly relieved to see his lover arrived, safe and sound. He quickly approached the man, and hugged him. He realized Jibeom had gone home and took shower judging from his outfit and the flowery scent of their shower gel.

"I was going to call you."

"Sorry, I have something to do," Jibeom answered, his voice wavered and suddenly the fear struck again. "Come on, I buy bossam on my way home. You must have skipped dinner huh?"

Jaehyun quietly watched Jibeom arranging the food on the table. He was still afraid and hesitating. Noticing the lack of answer, Jibeom looked up and their eyes met.

"What took you so long?" He asked Jibeom, who suddenly looked guilty.

"I'm sorry," Jibeon said. "I..want to surprise you, but the restaurant was so packed."

That's not what Jaehyun wanted to hear. He could just pretend nothing happened, but his mouth moved before he could stop himself. 

"Did you go out only to buy food?" His voice shook, making Jibeom's eyes flashed in alert. The man stopped arranging food and slowly straightened up while keeping his eyes on him.

"Jaehyun.."

"Jibeom.. I feel like you're hiding something from me lately," He was still standing a meter away from his lover. "I don't know what you're hiding from me, but you know you can tell me everything right? We promised there'll be no secret between us. Are you-"

"Jaehyun, it's not like what you're thinking," Jibeom said in an exasperated tone. 

"Then tell me what it is!" His voice raised up. His fear and insecurities finally exploded.

"My work is fine and no, I'm not seeing someone else if that's what you're thinking," Jibeom replied calmly, but there's a tremble in his voice, showing his wavering emotion. Slowly, Jibeom approached him, his expression was like he's in pain. Jaehyun found he couldn't look away from his lover's gaze.

When they're near enough, Jibeom took something from his pants pocket. He gasped when he saw maroon velvety box in Jibeom's hand. 

Jibeom fisted the box grimly. "I went out to take this. It's not supposed to be like this but" He sighed while opening the box, revealing a pair of simple platinum band. "Jaehyun.. I.. was going to propose."

Jaehyun broke into a cry. The proposal was totally shocking, but the thing that made him cry was that he felt so guilty. He had doubted Jibeom, accusing him while the truth was not like he's thinking.

He felt Jibeom pulled him into his arms. "I'm sorry for making you worried," Jibeom murmured softly in his ears. "The won't be no one else, I promise you that."

"I'm sorry, Jibeom," He cried, fisting Jibeom's sweat shirt tightly. "I'm sorry."

The soft rubbing on his back was comforting. "I have my own fair share of fault too. I'm sorry."

He shook his head and detached himself from Jibeom. "Don't say sorry. I'm sorry for not trusting you enough."

Jibeom's gaze was soft as the man rubbed his tears stained cheeks with his thumb. "It's been years since we're together, and I'm proud of myself I got my shit together and confessed to you. You're the best decision I've ever made in my life."

"Stop talking like that," He rubbed his eyes. He started to tear up again hearing Jibeom's sweet words. He could feel sincerity behind those words. It made him feel extremely bad.

"I love you, Jaehyun," Jibeom cupped the side of his face tenderly, while the other hand still clutching the ring box.

"I don't deserve you," He teared up again. Jibeom smiled, lovingly but sadly. 

"I'd like to think we're made to each other don't you think," His lover said. "I'm sorry I've hurt you, I've made you sad lately. But I swear I did no funny business. I've been hunting for rings and I can't do that between breaks because work had been hectic."

"I'm dumb for doubting you," He felt disappointed of himself. "You've been great, it's just me.."

"Then reward me," Jibeom's eyes glinted. "Let me put the ring on your finger."

Jibeom's mischievousness brought him to laugh. He didn't reply, but he brought his left hand up. Jibeom was quick to take a ring and slipped it into his ring finger. It was a simple and plain platinum ring, but he liked it. They shared a happy gaze, then he took the other ring and put it on Jibeom's finger. He leaned forward and kiss his lover. 

Jibeom was taken aback by the sudden gesture, but the man smiled, eyes crinkling. 

"I want a spring wedding," He blurted out. Ever since he attended a colleague's wedding last spring, he'd been dreaming himself having similar wedding. The weather was cool and pleasant, flowers bloomed creating a pretty colorful scenery.

Jibeom started at his lover for 7 years. If he looked back, he felt stupid for rejecting Jaehyun and spent months being unhappy. If only he could see the future…

Jaehyun looked embarrassed after saying about spring wedding. He chuckled fondly. Years of knowing Jaehyun, he knew that the man was sentimental although from the outside he seemed aloof.

"Spring wedding sounds good," He said as an attempt to make Jaehyun less embarrassed. He didn't mind the season, not at all, as long it's him and Jaehyun.

Wide smile blossomed on Jaehyun's face.

The proposal was supposed to be the next day. They'll have romantic dinner in VIP room, and he'll propose there. He had booked the place for the occasion, but seemed like it won't be needed anymore. However, this is also fine. Bossam was good too, and tomorrow they could celebrate their engagement in the restaurant.

"I love you," Jaehyun hugged him, and everything was just so right.

"I love you too. More than you've ever think of."

They were broken because of love, but they're also healed by love. People say broken people can't heal other broken people. His wound from the past was there, but Jaehyun was like a medicine to his wound. Scar would be there, but it won't hurt anymore.

Jibeom thought he had no privilege to be blessed by love. That was until Jaehyun came and gave him the privilege.


End file.
